A woman wakes up at a party feeling violated and confused, while a man pulls up his trousers and scurries off.
‘Well, she didn’t exactly say no,’ he might try to justify. Remarkably, this could be a defence in court that gets him off the hook for sexual assault or rape.
This is not a viable model for consent.
Instead, the law should focus on the steps both parties took leading up to the sexual encounter and whether they agreed that they wanted sex to take place. At the end of the day, there needs to be a yes, not just the absence of a no.
That’s why I’m backing the I’m Asking For It campaign, which aims to change the law in England and Wales to an affirmative consent model – seeking express mutual permission before engaging in sexual activity.
But I was shocked once I posted to social media about the campaign.
‘We need to start asking for consent, and asking for it now,’ I wrote in the caption to a campaign poster. ‘No more “implied consent” – only a yes should mean yes.’
I couldn’t believe the amount of negative comments it was met with from men.
Immediate defensiveness, confusion, and self-righteousness, as though I was taking the fun away for them. As though making sex a safer thing was ‘spoiling the moment’ and taking a man’s rights away.
This was massive proof to me that we have a warped idea of what constitutes consent. And we need this law more than I ever realised.
Imagine how I felt then, when I received the Government’s official response to our campaign, which started with: ‘We have no plans to amend the law on consent. It is long established, well understood by courts, police, practitioners and the public, and provides victims with effective protection from sexual abuse.’
Essentially, they told us that there was nothing to see here at all – now run along.
The thing is, it should be in every man’s interest for this law to change. But I fear that because this is something that we desperately need to happen as women, it will continue to be ignored.
We all know we have to shout so much louder for the things we want and need. And sadly, our safety is one of them.
The normalisation of putting a muzzle on the ‘whining woman’ hasn’t changed. Sure, we now have more of a voice than we did in the 1950s. But it isn’t enough.
You only have to spend a day inside the dark passages of my Instagram (and millions of other women’s and girls’ Instagrams too, I’m sure) to see how stagnant things are in the UK when it comes to the evolution of language and attitudes towards women. Shockingly, our campaign found that 22% of UK adults think saying no can mean yes when it comes to sex.
If the Government can’t even engage around a simple suggestion about how a legal change could help to make sex safer and encourage a clearer understanding of consent, what hope do we have? What is this teaching young boys and girls?
We all know a change in law isn’t a perfect solution. Laws are still broken.
But it would show that these things are being seen as important. That sexual violence is not tolerated. That certain behaviours will no longer be trivialised and that there will be consequences.
A legal change could really boost a cultural and societal shift in terms of the narrative around women and their words. The excuse of ‘it’s his word against yours’ may finally see some rebalancing.
Our words might start to matter and be believed… imagine that! We need to wake up and catch up.
Currently, we are under an outdated model that is failing rape victims – less than 2% of reported rapes end in a conviction, meaning rape has effectively been decriminalised in the UK.
An affirmative consent model would no longer focus on whether the person said no, but on whether or not consent was sought and they said yes. That’s a better solution because the Crown Prosecution Service says today’s need to prove a negative is the most common reason that rape cases fail.
Let’s face it – sometimes we are too frightened to say no, or too drunk to speak, or drugged from being spiked.
And before you start to think the idea of the affirmative consent model is such an alien concept, remember that it’s working in other countries – Australia, Canada, Spain. In Sweden, for example, where they have adopted the affirmative consent model, rape convictions went up by 75%.
We know that affirmative consent models are a positive move forward.
So why is the Government so dismissive? The answer is simple – the safety of women and girls is still being put to the back of the pile.
We are still seen to be whining and complaining and being accusatory. Our ‘annoying feminist rants’ are still being met with eye-rolling sighs.
To the brilliant men out there who have our backs – and there really are so many – we need them to speak louder with us. We need them to step in.
Don’t just say, ‘but I’m not a rapist, I would never do that’, actively do all you can to help us. Help make these huge changes for a safer world.
This isn’t an attack on you. This is us saying we are tired of being attacked ourselves, tired of not being believed.
We need you to finally start saying you stand by us and believe us. Then maybe, eventually, we will be heard.
We need you to do this because the world continues to listen to you more.
Sadly, as I’m writing this plea for the Government to listen, I realise it is still very much a man’s world. But it doesn’t have to be.
You can sign the petition to implement affirmative consent here
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